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It’s been one helluva year for me even though we’re already five months in and quite frankly, I honestly have some mixed emotions about it. Recently, I had decided to back away from social media and just recollect myself on some things. I’m still on one website currently and I plan on keeping it that way, but I felt like I had to leave the other sites for the sake of my own sanity. People keep asking me why I left Tumblr, so I’ll explain. The main reason I left Tumblr, was because of a slew of things I didn’t agree with, but it was mostly because of malicious rumors I’ve found out about other artists that are quite popular and well-known. Now, people should know this about me: if I ever have a problem or a situation with anyone, I call them out directly, but in this case, I have no ill feelings towards these artists and what they do is strictly their business, but when someone involves me in a situation I don’t draw or support, then it becomes my business. I got tired of people making me feel some type of way and asking me why I don’t do this or do that and it’s because I’ve never hopped on bandwagons. I was never a trendsetter and people got bored of that pretty quickly and it felt like I had to do more just because I was a female that likes porn/hentai as well as draw it.
Being busy all the time has its repercussions, but people have to understand that what I did on my blogs was my safe haven it was not meant for anything else because I was always opened about my sexuality. It was never meant to be an art blog because I couldn’t keep up with the demand and when I was ransacked with commissions or projects, I knew that it was going to be difficult to upload new stuff either on a daily basis or every two days. Now, the other thing was, the guilt tripping. I used to get a lot of messages that really made me feel uncomfortable. I am an easy person to talk to and if anyone really knows me both personally and professionally, they’ll tell you that I can really make you feel comfortable and that you can talk about almost anything with me. I’m a great listener. Always have been. When conversing, it always turned into sexual things with these people. And when I didn’t go along with that on extreme subjects, I was hit with a barrage of threats and insults from these guys that wanted me to tell them everything sexual about myself like I was supposed to just because they followed my NSFW blog. Like I owed them that much when I never even got a single ounce of support from any of them. It was more like entitlement than anything I could have possibly imagined. I quickly got tired of it and I got tired of blocking numerous weirdoes and cunts. So I left because Tumblr was becoming something that made me feel so guilty about not appeasing the fans just because so an so did it. Like if I didn’t do this or that, people will make up rumors and categorize me with the folks that draw incest and pedophilia. I felt like it was coming to that point. I try not to make enemies because I don’t know these people at the end of the day and they do not know me and yet, others will say “It’s just the Internet”. That is true, but people also need to remember that these are real folks doing and saying things they’ll probably never say or do to anyone they know.
After going through unnecessary bullshit and dealing with stress I really didn't need, I remained optimistic about everything. But now, it seems that that optimism is fading even when I have finally found my happiness. For the last few years, I've been battling a series of health problems that has caused me to lose some of my hair amongst other things. When I found out my uncle passed away in April, it changed me because I never thought he'd die so young and that was the 2nd family member since being in Texas, that I didn’t say goodbye to. It made me feel like I had to fight even harder to stay alive despite not having insurance or anyone to help me years prior. I live in a state about a 1,000 or so miles away from my family and every day, I think I might die here. Alone. But then, I finally got health insurance a couple of months ago and was able to see my doctor. From there, I thought the worse was over, but it wasn’t. When I had people coming at me and trying to make me feel inadequate about a situation that happened a while ago as I tried to keep the peace without going into strife, I received word from my doctor that I have type 2 diabetes. So all that mess I've endured and thinking it was stress related and whatnot, was something that was trying to kill me in silence. Upon finding out and after that shit storm had passed, that’s when I decided to leave Tumblr and any other place I was frequent on because it was too much for me. I couldn't deal with it anymore or have people constantly ask me to make all these blogs but refuse to support my work and what I do. Especially when I had a Patreon so I wouldn’t have to resort to doing commissions Full time and had to endure people saying that I was keeping free art away from them, so I had to shut it down because the message was clear. I’ve been burned, I’ve been betrayed, and even misled, yet and still, I have to take care of myself because I am a prideful person. This is why I do commissions all the time to ensure I’ll be okay and that my son back home will be okay. All the time, the support doesn't have to be financial, but just something to keep me motivated and do better because in all honesty, art has been keeping me working and less worrying. It’s been tough and to see people think I'm this monster, this bad person, just made me say fuck it last month. I couldn't keep going anymore or taking shit to survive in this messed up country. So then, I took that week off in April. I needed to relax, get used to my new meds with the help of my boyfriend. Fear has been rising in me because despite everything I've went through, it seems that life keeps fucking me and I almost believed that I deserved it. Things are going to be much slower for me and I have to ensure that my health will be A-Okay. And that means that people have to bear with me. I am dealing with three things that can lead me to an early grave and one of them is iron deficiency anemia. So, I'm trying to get things done and catch up on work I’ve missed so no one will think indifferently of me because I need to survive. But in the end, I no longer care about what anyone thinks of me anymore. For the first time ever, I’m thinking of myself. I have to. It’s long overdue. I don’t care for popularity or anything. I just want things to be peaceful. I don’t want to argue with anyone or be made out to be the bad guy. I just want to live and see 30. Nothing else matters. I hope that this year will end on a good note…because I don’t need any more bad news coming my way.
Until next time…